Some of my friends think I am crazy. That I have issues, and maybe I do. I don’t know anymore… not sure if I care anymore. Lol.
I was just re-reading my last blog post- Ball Punch.. and then also The Donor… and thinking to myself, this is why. Why I have the issues I do.
I have a very hard time anymore, letting someone in. Letting someone close to my heart. I have a hard time anymore, falling in love and letting myself go. It always seems that when I start too, I get hurt. And I am tired of that hurt. That pain. I go thru that enough on a daily basis that I don’t need to put myself out there that much more to have it happen that much worse.
The first man to truly, Truly hurt me, was my daughter’s father- aka sperm donor. I met him right after I got divorced. I didn’t want to date, but he was persistent and I caved. He promised me his forever love, his forever faithfulness. He promised me everything I wanted to hear. Told me he loved me and wanted a family with me. That I was the first woman he ever loved like this. That I was the best woman he’s ever dated. I was better to him and for him than anyone else in his life. I believe it all. I believed I was special to him. I let myself go. I loved him fully. He had my complete heart. And he walked away.
We have been split up for 6 ½ almost- 7 years now. And I am still hurting. He has promised me these things and said these things off an on for the last almost 7 years to me. I have put up a wall to him. But I relive the hurt he’s caused me almost every single day. Not because I still am in love with him or that I want him back, but because of our daughter.
She is something that he wanted to with me. and yet another broken promise. The promise to always be there.. The promise to always help me out. The promise to never abandon us. The promise to always care.
Every time he makes plans to see her and doesn’t call, doesn’t show.. It opens that wound again. Every time he can’t take the time to take her for an hour or a night or a day.. It opens that wound for me again. Every time she is sick and I am the only one there to ease her sadness or sickness, it opens that wound again. Every time he disappoints her, it opens that wound again. And the pain I feel is not because I am still in love with him but because of lack of responsibility when it comes to his daughter, because of his selfishness when it comes to his daughter – reopens all of those wounds that he has caused me over the years. That. Has made it that much harder to be able to love someone fully and deeply. Yes there have been other heartaches through out the years. Other disappointments, betrayals from other men that I have tried to let in my heart that has caused me to hold back also.
I keep hoping that one day I will finally meet a man who can break down these walls and will heal this hurt. That will show me that not every man is the same. But honestly, I don’t know if I will ever be able to let someone in enough to do that. I am just tired of feeling hurt. Feeling pain.
Blessings N love