Saturday, January 18, 2014

Pregs

I have been wanting to to wait to do this post till I had see the doc... but as that seems to be a mission to do so... I have decided to go ahead and announce to the blogging world that I am Pregnant. 

I am about 10 or so weeks. My due date is 8/15/14

I took the home pregnancy test on 12/06/13. 

I had a feeling for a few weeks before that, that something was up... so I had weaned myself off of my cymbalta and adderall. It was hard and there was a lot of days I just felt absolutely miserable but I wanted to make sure that I didn't cause any complication "if" I was pregnant... and what do ya know... I was. :-) 

After I found out, I went shopping and made up a cute little "gift" to give my fiance to tell him the news!!!  His reaction was exactly what I thought it was going to be... but he was scared and nervous that maybe the test was wrong. Once I got the blood test done and we knew for certain that there was a baby... He was extremely happy!! 


It has definitely been a rough few weeks... I have had nausea and extreme tiredness... thankfully I didnt actually throw up.  I have been very depressed and over emotional on everything... it kinda sucks because this should be a extremely happy time for me!  As soon as I get in to see the doc, the first thing I am going to ask is if I can go back on some kind of anti-depressant. I just want to be happy again... and its not that I am not happy... I just want to feel happy. 

The reason I havent been in to see a doc yet is because of insurance/medicaid. 
I am still out of work... and was getting unemployment until the end of December so I was on Family Planning/Medicaid... which provided basic gynocological exams and birth control. So I had to go back and fill out new paper work and prove to them that I was pregnant in order to have the pregnancy covered...  finally got all of that approved right after Christmas tho I didnt get my card till after the first of the year. As soon as I did, I looked up the  doctors and found the doc that I had with baby girl accepted Medicaid. So I called and got an appt and last Wed we went up there... filled out all the paperwork only to find out when I handed it in along with my card, that they do NOT accept medicaid. I left there in tears. :-(  I was so excited to finally get in to see a doc!!!  I was so upset because on the medicaid website it said that they were covered and I was FINALLY getting in to see a doc!!!  I called around to a few other doctors and finally found one that does accept medicaid... and we have an appt for next Thursday. "Fingers crossed" that nothing goes wrong. 

I went to Cornerstone Among Women in order to get a "official" pregnancy test and was offered an Ultrasound. So at 5 weeks I got to see my baby... well really just the heart beating but still... it was breath-taking! We were offered another ultrasound... so we go back there on the 5th of Feb! I am excited!!! 


On Christmas, I ended up getting sick... I had a temp of 100 then in less that an hour it went up to 102.3... Big B ( my fiance) insisted that we go to the hospital because of the temp and the quick rise in temp... he didnt want to risk anything with the baby. He's already been in a situation where an ex was pregnant with his kid and had a miscarriage... so he's extremely worried about that with us... and the fact that I had a miscarriage before I had baby girl.  So we went to the hospital and was told that I had an upper respitory infection and was put on anti-biotics.  I felt like absolute crap for a few days after that... between the "morning sickness"/nausea and the infection in my body... it was a very rough few days. 


After a couple weeks, I felt better, tho I was still coughing up phlegm... and I ended up coughing so much and so hard, I pulling something in my rib area on the right side... that pain lasted about a week... and it was so bad that I was in tears most days and that I couldn't sleep much at night because if I moved around at all, I was in intense pain.  Again, Big B wanted me to go to the hospital or something because both him and my mom was worried that it was my gallbladder. I talked them out of making me go... and in a couple days the pain went away for the most part, though I still have pain when I breathe in deeply.  Something I will be talking to the doc about. 


In the next couple weeks, there will be a lot of decisions that need to be made... since I am no longer getting unemployment, and I have yet to find a full time job (which now may be even more hard since I have a bun in the oven). I am working part time... but its no where near enough to pay even my house payment each month.  Big B helps with the bills as much as he can too, but he has his own bills that he has to worry about.  So I need to figure out if I should try and get a second part time job...  Big B is thinking about applying for other jobs that could pay more and possibly offer more over-time.   The thing we both are worried about is that if we do these things... we will never see each other and I will never see my kids.  And my pastoral classes start up in a month, so I have to take that into consideration too.

So needless to say... its been a rough pregnancy so far. I don't remember being this depressed with either baby girl or lil man.  With baby girl I had the nausea but I don't remember very many other major issues... well at least till the end of the pregnancy with having preterm labor (which was stopped).  It amazing how each pregnancy has been so much different... and it seems that the older I am, the harder each pregnancy is... I wonder if its due to age or just life situations at that time.  Probably a little bit of each. 


I know that God has a plan... even tho things didn't got the way I had planned- I wanted to be married before I had my next kid, but God is good and is here with us. I know we will get through everything, learn from it all, come close to God, and one day be able to use all of our ups and downs to help someone... even if its to only know that they are not alone.

Alright... need to get off here and get baby girl some food... and this bun in the oven is hungry too!!!  

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama




Saturday, January 4, 2014

depression... still.

I have been struggling so much lately.

I have been dealing with depression hard core.

I have no motivation.

I have no desire for anything... I go through my days just there... waiting and hoping for the next one to be better.

I don't want to be around people... or even hardly talk to anyone.

Most people annoy me.

I just want to curl up in bed and sleep.... and with the opportunity- I do. I just sleep all day.

I know it will get better. I know God has a plan for it all. I know He is here with me and is getting me through this moment.

God is so amazing.  He has gotten me through so many things in life. I know He will help me get through all of this!

He is an amazing God. :-)


Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama


Monday, December 23, 2013

Engagement

I have been meaning to post for a few weeks now... but honestly I haven't had the energy, motivation or even in a decent mood to get it done...

A couple weeks ago... my boyfriend Brett, asked me to marry him.... and of course I said yes!!!







He is an amazing man. We have had our issues, but God brought us through them all as he will with anything in the future.


He has been awesome these past few days with me or even really weeks. I have stopped taking my antidepressants for some personal reasons... which I will get into in a later blog post... but I have been suffering big time with depressions. Probably the worst I have had it in years... I just dont want to be around anyone. I just want to cry or yell over everything. It takes all that I have too not be like that 24/7.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.... and so far today seems to be also.
I just keep praying and putting it all in God's hands. I know he's got this!!!


Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Monday, December 9, 2013

Empty hole


As tears run down my face
I profess my love for You
My hear does flips
Knowing You love me too

With every single struggle I have
Day in and Day out
You are here beside me
I know this without a doubt

When I am on my knees
Pleading out to Your Name
I know You will never forsake me
And because of You I'll never be the same

Lord I love you
Whole heart, mind, body and soul
Only You and Your Love
Can fill this empty hole. 

 

Monday, December 2, 2013

Devil in a blue dress.

Well since I have last posted... I have struggling with so many things.

I am really starting to think the devil is after me hard.

This has been a very hard month!! I have feel so blessed in so many ways but its been a struggle.

I know it was God that Brett and I are back together.

I know it was God that I now have a part time job.

I know it was God that moved and blessed so many situations in my life.

I feel like because I was so close to God and I was receiving blessings the devil has to come after me.

With in the first couple weeks of getting the job, I got the flu and missed a day of work.  My daughter missed a day of school, so I had to miss work.  From the time that I got the flu, I continued to just feel blah.  Extremely tired, light headed, nauseated.  -

Brett and I have had petty little fights about stuff. We always talk everything out and are fine... but still I hate that we have our little "fights".

Last week as I was going to sleep... I felt this negative demonic presence next to me- next to the bed... I heard it whispering to me... " I see the wall"  I felt paralyzed. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak...nothing! Finally I was able to break free from this. The next morning however I woke up with such a horrible stiff neck that I was in tears from pain!!!  The pain lasted strong for at least 3 or 4 days... My neck still is sore but no where near that.

I have been dealing with my depression hardcore for the last month. Just have felt worthless... like I am a bad mom... like all I do is nag and complain. I have started worrying about finances and if I am going to be able to pay all of my bills. I am exhasuted mentally, physically and spiritually. Every single day has been a struggle.

But I know my God loves me!!! I know He's right here with me. And the struggles lead to strength... strength in my faith... strength in my love... strength in my mind.

My God is an awesome God and even tho I may struggle from time to time...I know HE has a great plan for all of this!!!  I know that the closer I get to the Lord... the more the devil will have to work to get me back... except... IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!! I may fail, mess up and sin... but my heart belongs to my Lord. PERIOD!!!

Love and Blessings
Overthinking Mama


Monday, November 4, 2013

Gods doing something in my life

It has been way to long since I've last posted. Things have been a bit crazy in the last few weeks...

I am still trying to get used to the whole getting up at 6am to get the kids ready for school. Ugh. It's tough!!

Something that I have been wanting write about for at least the last couple weeks is just how amazed I am at my Lord.  I can look back at the last 5-6 months and see how much He has worked in my life. How much He has been there. How much He has been there helping navigate... and helped me get back onto the right path towards HIM.

Last March I met a man and even tho at that time I really didn't want a boyfriend at all... this man pursued me... and we started dating, fell in love, and I thought he was "the one".  But then we started living our relationship how both of always had with others in our past. We were living our relationship in the way of the world. He started staying the night more and more and we were sleeping together intimately more and more. The devil started to win the relationship... and slowly we started to crumble because we didn't have Jesus in the middle of us. It was only us.

We ended up breaking up... and because of a few things I put a wall up and even though he wanted to work things out, I couldn't let him because of that wall... and now looking back, I know that it was supposed to happen. If I had let him back in at that moment, we would have ended up just right back in the way of the world all over again. I wasn't strong enough at that point. I wasn't strong enough to say No if he tried to get in my pants.

During the next few months, he continued to pursue me.  I tried to push him away. And I let the devil pull me closer to him and I became having an intimate relationship with another man. That was all there was between me and the other man really because I didn't want more. No matter how hard I tried to "like" this other man in any type of way... I couldn't.  My heart was closed off to everyone.

This went on for a few months till probably about a month/month and a half ago when I felt God telling me one Sunday that I needed to stop.  I needed to live the life that He wanted me to. I needed to live the life that I wanted. I had started taking biblical classes that lead to becoming a pastor.  How could I keep living the life that I was and be pursuing something like that. So I told the other man that I needed to stop.  He was upset and didn't understand why. He took it personal and thought that maybe there was someone else. The only other person there was- was Jesus.  It was a hard choice to make, but it was one that needed to be made.

The man that had broke up with me was still pursuing me... and I still continued to push him away.  I wanted to grow in my relationship with God before I could ever even consider having a relationship with someone else...

God continued to work with me... with my heart... and eventually it began to soften towards that man again.  Now we are taking it day by day... stregthening our relationship more and more and trying to put God in the middle of it this time.  We about everything and anything. And anything that either of us have an issue with, we are talking it out, and working through everything... so I guess we shall see what the Lord has in mind.  :-)

I am just in awe of the way the Lord has worked in my life... how he has used so many things in my life, to bring me back to him. How he has answered so many prayers of mine, and even more how he's not answered some.


Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Small dreams

I have realized something about myself in the past few days....  I have small simple dreams... and I am not all that worried about being rich, a millionaire or anything like that. I just want to be able to spend time with my family. That is more important to me than anything else.

Thursday I took the kids to school. I get back home and realize that my son left his folder on the kitchen table. It had all his important stuff in it, so I ran it up to the school. Walking out of the school, I realized how much I really want to be home with my kids. How much I want to be there for them. How much I have missed out in the past years since I worked full time.   I said a prayer that God would find me a way to make that happen.   Later that day I met with a friend and we sat and talked for almost 4 hours!  While we were talking she brought up a business opportunity.  Later that day I went and listened to the presentation and it just sounded wonderful. I met with my friends "mentor" the next day to talk more.  He asked me what my dreams were.  The only thing I really could tell him was that I wanted to be home with my kids. I think he may have thought that I was slightly crazy because I didn't have huge dreams of having a mansion or traveling the world or anything like that.  He asked me to think about other things that I want... I had to sit there and really thing for awhile in order to give him answer.  For the first time in my life, I am so happy with what I have. A home for my babies, its small but its filled with love. I have my babies, a wonderful family, and great friends.  And I have time!!! Time to be with my babies!!! That to me means more than anything else.
Being laid off these past few months seriously has been an absolute blessing to me. I am so thankful that God put me here!  It has opened my eyes to so much. Yea when I was working I always said that I wanted to not have to ever work again, but it was more because I didnt want to work there, not because I wanted to be home to be a better mom for my kids.  I thought I was doing ok. This time off has opened my eyes and showed me how much better I could be.
I know eventually I will have to back to work since I am a single mom and I am the only one bringing in an income. But I think this time around, my priorities will be different this time around.




 Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama